There is untold amounts of damage done by pedophiles to the children they perpetrate and the families of the victims. But what is rarely talked about is huge damage being done to our culture that effects all of us. Just the other day I saw another student tweet about an old guy staring at him and he even used the hashtag #jerrysandusky It seems common in adolescent culture now to joke about pedophiles, to accuse just about any adult that looks at them as having sexual intentions. Have you ever seen Family Guy? Then I’m sure you know about Herbert…the grandpa who definitely seems like he might be a pedophile. This is meant to be entertainment, to make us laugh rather than be repulsed.
Why is this a big deal you might ask? Well I think it’s huge because I believe that to become healthy adults, adolescents need adults that they can trust to bring them along into adulthood. Part of the problem with each generation is that they have less and less adults to model their lives after to become independent adults themselves.
This is personal. Being a single guy over the years who works with minors I’ve heard an occasional joke or rumor thrown around about me. Recently when I was a school bus driver I was walking down the hallway of a middle school and one of my students waved at me saying; “Hey Kurt!” I waved back and continued walking. I then overheard a girl standing next to this student who I didn’t recognize ask her; “Is that that creeper who posts on your Facebook page?” Obviously this hurt a bit…especially since I had made it a personal standard not to “Friend” students that I had on my bus, they had to request me. I was a “creeper” not because of what I said but because of the fact that I was an adult who posted something on her Facebook page.
I understand the fears that exist in a teens world, that humor is a way to deal with something that is uncomfortable and even scary; no doubt in our day some of these fears are healthy for they keep kids alert to potential dangers and can avoid the hurt surrounding abuse. However, this fear has become hysteria for many and has driven a huge wedge between adolescents and adults. I decided to end this post with some practical advice for parents & students who might be reading this…how do we go forward?
Parents -
- First and foremost…allow your kids to spend time with adults other than your family. This is healthy, normal and becomes even more important as they grow through adolescents becoming independent from you.
- When your child is spending time with an adult make sure its in public places with other students or team mates. If there is an event at someones home, set your child up for success by sending him/her over with a friend and always pick them up/drop them off yourself.
- Ask general questions opening the door for your child to share something that may have happened with them rather than accusing some adult of having bad motives. Once a mom asked a student if I had ever touched them inappropriately. The student decided to share this with another student and myself and I dont think the relationship was ever the same sense. (not sure why he would) I mean how could it be when I knew the parent not only suspected that I might have evil intent but shared her fear with her son?
- Don’t joke about or entertain rumors of people who might be pedophiles. If you think there are genuine issues that need to be addressed with an adult that your child knows than by all means address those issues but don’t play into this adolescent culture that is marking every adult in their lives as pedophiles.
Students -
- You definitely need to be on guard for pedophiles for they are real. However not every adult that smiles at you or gives you compliment wants to have sex with you. I know that is blunt but I’ve heard such jokes come out of your mouths before…the majority of the adults that God places in your life want nothing but the best for you, to see you succeed and desire to help you become independent adults.
- Stop the jokes about pedophiles altogether. Seriously. I have made them myself so this isn’t a judgmental sort of statement, I just think that alot of guys have gotten the label “pedophile” and don’t deserve it at all. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable then avoid them…and if they make any sort of sexual advance at you then tell an adult you trust like a parent, pastor or teacher.
I doubt we can ever rid the world completely of pedophiles or the damage they inflict (have to wait for Jesus to come back for that: see Matt 24:29-31)…however I do think we can change OUR world…the people we allow to influence us, influence our kids and do our very best to both ensure our adolescents get the attention they need from adults, the right kind of attention that brings about character and developmental growth.
Jean Selden
December 12, 2011 at 11:34 am
Kurt,
We now live in a world where we are surrounded by sexual deviancy at every turn. Television, Internet, neighbors, fellow workers, students, etc. I know that it is worse in some areas, but anyone go online to see convicted sex offenders living in your area.
While you may have no intent whatsoever to harm anyone, the world has made it impossible for a normal single heterosexual guy to have the freedom with students that used to be an everyday occurrence.
In raising our kids and working with young people we had to setup boundaries so as never to catch ourselves being in a position to be questioned. We were never alone with a student. We always maintained a friendly relationship as adult to minor. We never had any one-on-one communication outside of our ministry. Even though we were considered people of integrity and honor by those that knew us, this culture has taken away that privilege.
Just a word of advice from an oldie. You would be much safer not exchanging any sort of personal, private info be it Facebook, email, or phone. This is a very paranoid society as evidenced by what has happened to you. Remember that as an adult, you can be friendly, but always maintain the adult/child relationship. Kids are lacking mature leadership (even in their homes).
Parents today don’t know who to trust. All the horror stories coming out of the colleges of young men being violated and trusted by those they trusted, for years. It is a sick, sad story on us as human beings. Unfortunately, the good guys, such as you have to alter their lives and ministry because of it.
Hang in there. Seek holiness and righteousness in all of your ways. God isn’t finished with you yet.
Sincerely in Him,
Jean Selden
godsidekurt
December 12, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Jean,
As always thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I just think the Enemy would like nothing more than the church to respond to this current climate in pulling back its efforts in ministering to today’s youth. While I agree there needs to be boundaries…those boundaries shouldn’t block healthy relationships between adults & adolescents. Think of the millions of young boys who are mentored across our country by men who offer nothing but good to them, giving them a father figure when they wouldn’t otherwise have one. As usual the church needs to be wise in who it allows to work with it’s youth; doing thorough background checks and periodically asking the tough questions…but we cannot abandon the mission for students need adults more now than ever. Who will pick up the pieces left in the wake of the abuse of the pedophiles we hear about daily in the news? Who will minister to them? Their peers? Kids younger than them? No it will be adults; family, friends, pastors, coaches and teachers who care enough to step in and offer healing. Relationships always involve risk…we do our best to minimize the risk but the only way to eliminate it completely would be to not have a relationship at all.
Jean Selden
December 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Kurt,
I totally agree. We should never stop ministering and I never will. I so appreciate your determination and love for the youth of this culture.
Jean
Melinda
December 12, 2011 at 4:43 pm
This resonates with me. It’s a tough/sticky challenge. You stated what is at stake, quite well. I am posting it to FB. Thank you!
Bonnie Gorshe
December 13, 2011 at 1:40 am
How quickly we’ve gone from “it takes a village to raise a child,” to “nobody from this village had better talk to or even smile at my child.” Realistically, very few people are pedophiles. When you think about all the daycare workers, coaches, scout leaders, youth ministers, teachers, tutors, relatives, neighbors and camp counselors who spend time with children, and compare them to the few people who turn out to be pedophiles, the percent is really low.
The children who are most vulnerable to being lured into an inappropriate relationship are the ones who are lacking adult friendships. They’re lonely and flattered about the attention. So there’s the irony. Kids will be better protected if they get more adult interaction, not less.
godsidekurt
December 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm
Great insight Bonnie, that is quite the paradox when you think about it…makes me think there might actually be a force at work in the universe trying to destroy those vital relationships.